Solo hike. I have a BUNCH of podcast episodes to listen to. I had been struggled that past week. The 3-year anniversary of N leaving was in January, but my body feels it in March because it was then that I figured out that he was never coming home again. Also, my birthday is coming up and it's been nearly a month since a therapy session.
Back to Caledon Hills. These fucking hills. Sometimes it feels like they gave a 2 year old a crayon and a map and let them draw the route.
It's a grey day but when the sun hits, the shadows are incredible.
There are a couple of points on this hike where the grief just hits me and I end up doubled-over. I'm listening to a podcast about repair in relationships when there's a D/s dynamic and I have regrets. A year ago I was in a relationship that turned out to be so unhealthy. There were several points where I should have left, but I was told I was loved and I believed it. This is a familiar dynamic and I hope that some day I will eventually be able to change this pattern.
The people who say they love me have hurt me the most of all. It is no wonder that I wander around this earth holding so much pain.
I'm back to touching trees.
I stop in the sunshine and turn my face to the sun and soak it in.
Just 5 minutes up the road...Rosebud Motel from Schitt's Creek. Of course, I have to go.
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