Hike #42, September 5, 2021

Two more hikes of Beaver Valley to go. JC asked me if a date-friend of his could come on a hike for Monday (Sept 4), but I let him know I can't deal with new people while deep in grief. So he cancelled (was no longer available?). Another life lesson about how I'm really just fucking going it solo in this life. We have our next hike planned and hopefully we can just finish up this section and go our separate ways? 

I'm not sure whether I'm being sensitive, or whether he is the kind of person to abandon friendship when dating someone. Maybe both? 

I've routed myself to do Dufferin Hi-Lands solo this fall, with the plan to move onto Iroquoia in the winter months. 

I decided to work this section backwards because parking has changed in the Mono Cliffs Provincial Park. The rain stopped as soon as I got close to my parking spot after I mentally figured out how I would hike in the rain without a raincoat. Because I got up at my usual 5 am, but my drive was 1 hr 15, I go to see the sun rise.

I had not anticipated the various terrains of this hike. It starts in forest but then takes you thru fields until you reach a 2 km road section. Podcasts kept me company. 

It was nice to reach the wooded provincial park section and spot some fun things. 

This is a really nice spot for a day trip, I think. You'd have to time it right to avoid the crowds of people. As I took a snack break around 11 am and prepared to start by return portion, about 40 people arrived at once. 

Thankfully there was a side trail to take 3 km off my return hike. It wasn't long until I was back on that road, listening to a podcast about a person dying and the friends who take care of him. I wonder who would show up if I was dying from cancer? More thoughts of dying, of being alone, of tackling the rest of the trail solo, and how the need to finish it is keeping me from killing myself. I am so alone. 

Back in the fields, it made sense to go shirtless. I hadn't seen anyone in ages, and it doesn't matter anyway. I need to soak up the sun as much as possible. 

I did come across 2 other hikers, who had a hard time making eye contact with me, blinded by my fat white belly. 

Look at all these things! 

Almost at the end, I spotted some feathers on the ground. A freshly removed set of wings from a tiny bird. 

No rush to get home so I took selfies at the car. 

I resent having evidence that my body housed a baby when that kid wants nothing to do with me. 

I went into Shelbourne to kill time. There's a Foodland there with British chips, so I bought some for JJ. A produce stand sold me tomatoes that I hope don't taste as bad as the ones from the No Frills. I also went to the coin cash wash and washed the car myself for the first time. I even finally installed the new wiper blades that had been in the back seat for a month. Going thru the glove box, I found remnants of that Tobermory life and tossed them all. 

starting near marker 3.1

ending near marker 13.3

total hiked today: 10.2 + 7 (McCarston's Lake side trail saved me 3 km on the return)

total Bruce Trail hiked since starting: 413.2 km

Hike #41, August 26 2021

Annie died on Monday, August 23, peacefully at home. A week earlier the vet told me she had dementia (along with being deaf and blind) and suddenly all the little things made sense. The night of that vet visit, she peed in her sleep. And then again the next night. It didn't seem fair to her - to me - to drag this out. Much of this decision was driven by the pain of the long drawn out process of my kid leaving me. I could not do that to myself again. 

I took Thursday off and we went on an adventure to Guelph. I spent time with a very old friend while Annie curled up in my lap and slept. We went to a glorious dog park where she waded into a stream, and then paddled in the river. She ate 2 hamburgers in JC's backyard, wandered around his clover filled yard and slept soundly in her car bed on the way home. 

I chose a little cedar box for her ashes. It's beside my bed now. Annie kept me going when N left and now I don't know how to keep going. Or why to keep going. 

So I was pretty fucking raw on this hike. It's good that JC takes the lead, because I had to pause sometimes to wipe tears from my face. I knew I wasn't going to be great company, but I also feel safe in knowing I didn't have to be great company with him. 

Over my shoulder is Old Baldy, where we had hiked on our previous hike. We are literally hiking around the Beaver River, so we'd seen Eugenia Falls on our last hike and this would take us to Hoggs Falls. We opted to hike this backwards, so that we could avoid having to go UP the Beaver Valley ski hill. 

This hike also had some good nature finds, including Chocolate Tube slime mould. 

Also, waterfalls! Including a magical one on a side trail. It's been almost a year since I had a blue blaze tattooed on my leg, to symbolize stepping off the main trail. It also has the words 'Might as well love, might as well live' tattooed over it, and both seem impossible. 

I was looking a little different at the end of the hike. A fine layer of sweat + bug spray + dirt. 

No rush to get home and all my swim gear was in the car, so I changed behind some bushes and drove to Eugenia Lake's public beach. The water was warm, but the air was cold. It was worth it being able to rinse myself off before the sad drive back to a home without Annie. 

Stats:

starting near marker 64.8

ending near marker 85

total hiked today: 20.2

total Bruce Trail hiked since starting: 403 km